An insurance salesman is visiting a remote farmstead.
He parks at the foot of the driveway and walks up to the house to find an old Labrador lying on the porch.
As he tries to step over it, the dog speaks! “Watch where you’re stepping, buddy!”
The salesman almost faints with shock. “You can talk!”
“Yeah, sure,” says the dog. “I’ve made a pretty good career out of it.”
Intrigued, the salesman asks to hear more.
“Well,” says the dog, “it all began back in ’81. My owner found out about this gift I had and turned me into a traveling sideshow. ‘Course, all I had to do was simple skits, a few words, a couple of jokes; it was pretty beneath me, but it paid well.
“Anyway, I was spotted by some government types and got recruited by the CIA. They taught me to speak Russian, and I was infiltrated into secret bases all over the Soviet Union. I mean, who’s gonna suspect a dog, right? I was the most effective source of intelligence throughout the entire Cold War; I can’t tell you how many times I saved the world with my timely intel.
“After the Cold War ended, I got moved to the FBI rooting out terrorist cells: same gig, different bad guys. In the end, after becoming the FBI’s most decorated agent, I was retired; I had my pick of the lady dogs as they tried to breed a successor with my gift, but I guess I’m just unique. So I ended up in retirement here, filling my days in comfort and peace.”
The salesman is practically bursting at this. Just then, the farmer emerges from the farmhouse.
“How much do you want for this incredible dog?” yells the salesman. “I’ll pay any price!”
The farmer spits. “Y’all can have him for nothing.”
The salesman is even more flabbergasted. “How can you give away such an incredible animal? A talking dog with such an amazing story?”
The farmer laughs. “Cos he’s a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff.”